Ask Britta - Wedding Wisdom

We know that when you’re in the midst of wedding preparations, like deciding between white and ecru for your wedding invitations, it’s easy to lose track about what the whole ceremony is actually about. It’s easy to think wedding wedding wedding, and forget that it’s actually a marriage you’re preparing for. So in order to prevent having to plan wedding number two (I mean, do you really want to have to go through that catering fiasco again?), it’s best to think about marriage number one, before you actually tie the knot. And one good place to start is by tackling the number one stress in marriage—a word not mentioned in polite company. That’s right, money.

I know, who wants to talk about money when you’re madly in love. I mean, it seems so, mercernary. We’ve ditched dowries and bride prices, and most of us were taught that when we found our soulmate, we didn’t need money to live happily ever after. Besides, you don’t want to sound like a gold digger or tightwad. But in successful relationships, partners are open and honest about their financial expectations up front—it’s what keeps the romance going. It’s hard to be starry-eyed if you’re worried about a roof over your head—and your spouse is racking up thousands of dollars in bills. Or conversely, if you have to submit receipts for every stick of gum you purchase.

Weddings can be budget busters as well as block busters, so it’s a great place for you and your fiance to work on your cooperative financial skills. But it’s also good to sit down and have the talk away from all the wedding madness. Money is about several things, including control, expectations, and well, money, so it’s best to get it all out on the table before you’re legally obligated to take on eachother’s debts.

 1) Unless you two are siblings (please, we hope not), you probably were raised by people with different spending priorities. Maybe your fiance’s family gladly did without food so they could by the latest in flat screen TV technology. Or maybe your parents took a second mortgage on the house so they could send you to private school. Whatever it is, both of you will naturally have things that seem more important than others. Yes, sometimes your spouse will want to make a purchase that totally blows your mind. Or balk at your purchasing a totally necessary item.

The key is compromise. If your fiance is a total football buff, you could probably find room in your budget for those front row superbowl tickets if he agrees to watch all the other games at home (hey, beer adds up if you’re paying $5 a bottle at the local sports bar). And maybe he’ll be more amenable to your big cashmere coat splurge if you’re closet’s not already overflowing with empty Nieman Marcus bags. Whatever it is, both of you need to be making adjustments and sacrifices. If you’re marriage is truly healthy, you’ll be happier knowing your partner is happy, than if you always get your own way.

2) But it’s more than just financial compatibility that’s important. Financial practicality also a necessary ingredient for a successful life. If the two of you are both naturally thrifty, that’s great. You two can fully enjoy your cans of beans heated on the stove (the only heat source in your house, given the price of gas these days), and your children will thank you when they inherit your enormous nest egg. But if both of you take your financial planning motto from Mad magazine (what, me worry?) , you’re going to be in trouble. Thousands of dollars in debt can put a crimp in your style, unless you plan on changing your name and moving states every year. (We admit. There’s something romantic about the whole fugitive from the law thing. But unfortunately, prison slightly less glamorous.)

Whatever your budget, certain things need to be taken care of first, like the water bill. Put aside money for the basics every month before you can even think about fancy dinners or a second car. These include rent/mortgage payments, bills (don’t forget to factor in things like insurance payments and any tuition payments), and basic food and transportation. Call this untouchable money, and put the most responsible member in charge of this. Also, most financial advisors recommend saving at least 20% of your yearly income, if possible. Put this in an IRA or some other sort of high interest fund geared toward saving for your future. Investments can be good ways to grow your capital, but keep at least a portion out in a high liquidity fund, so you can access some cash in case of emergencies.

4) Sometimes a cigar isn’t just a cigar. How we spend money often says much more about our personality than we’d like. If your fiance is a total control freak when it comes to the pocket book, chances are he’s the same way in other areas of life. Or if he goes out and drops several grand on an impulse new toy, don’t be surprised when he comes home and announces he’s accepted a new job offer—in Nebraska. (Or even worse, he has a new impulse girlfriend.) What may be romantic or charming early on in the relationship—all those expensive gifts he bought you, even though he was unemployed—start to look less cute after years of being together, when you’re the one balancing the check book.

Also, it’s often said that shopping is theraputic, but we think it can be more a way of indicating you need therapy. Maybe you feel Banana Republic will give you the love your father never gave you, or maybe your mother’s gambling addiction has turned you into a cash hoarder—whatever it is, a good therapist is much more effective at getting through your issues than a mastercard. Couple’s financial counseling is also a good way if the two of you don’t see eye to eye, or your sweetie’s spending habits are starting to scare you.  

5) Remember, spending money is a way of prioritizing things in our life (see #1), and this becomes just that much more important when you have kids. Unless it’s a shotgun wedding, you should discuss financial issues well before you decide to have kids. Are you going to send them to private school? Do you want to buy a larger house with a yard they can play in, or do you feel like sleeping in a broom closet builds character? Will you smother them in expensive toys, or if a stick and string was good enough for you, it’ll be good enough for them?

Kids aren’t cheap. The mandatory costs—vaccinations, food, clothing, school fees (even public schools ones)—all add up. Plus there are things like braces, and don’t even mention college tuition. How much money you spend on your kids is in part a reflection parenting styles. Some parents believe it’s best to provide as little as possible so their kids are self reliant, whereas others lavish their kids with every advantage possible in the hopes it’ll help them be successful. Most people are somewhere in the middle, but it’s best to find out exactly where you and your spouse-to-be fit in.